With the exception of one good full piece every week or so, not matter how much I draw I haven’t been able to draw anything of better quality than that for weeks, if not months. I don’t know what’s going on.
I finally managed to finish some piece I’m happy about.
First it was the rot. All of my insides were rotten. That’s how I felt. Dirty, sickly, weak. I was convinced that if my skin was to tear or fall off, the browns and greens and all the color spectrum of vomit would finally be seen.
And things changed. No, I changed things. For the better yes, I can’t deny it. Still, I don’t feel as fine as I probably should. I’m not rotten anymore, but I’m not clean either. I’m creatively clogged. It’s like most of the ugliness has flown out but something’s still stuck. Something I can’t force myself to puke out. I can’t cry or scream it.
I’ve never been so active in my life, and yet so passive inside my own self. Something’s missing. I don’t know anymore, when to chase it, and when to let it come to me. I don’t even know what it is.
Every time I decide to work on comics, I get frustrated with all the setting up, the overthinking, the doubts, etc.
So tonight I drew a random simple layout grid, and just quickly filled in the panels, trying not to think too much about it. It however did end up relating to a projects that’s been brewing in my mind. Which I can’t say too much about so far.
It was a nice experiment.
Oh—you wouldn’t date a girl who’s ever been a stripper?
In that case, I wouldn’t date a guy who’s ever been to a strip club.
Oh—you wouldn’t date a girl who’s ever done porn?
In that case, I wouldn’t date a guy who’s ever watched porn.
You’re the reason we exist.
You’re the demand to our supply.
If you disdain sex workers, don’t you dare consume our labor.
As they say in the industry, “People jack off with the left hand and point with the right.”
I remember a conversation I witnessed one day, about artists who switch completely to digital art and then cannot seem to draw again with traditional mediums. I thought that would never apply to me, but I’ve been getting worryingly closer to that state.
Trying to get back into drawing more traditionally. And while I tend to struggle more with anatomy and other technicality this way, I feel my drawings always end up having more “soul”.
More foolish endeavors
I’ve dusted off Unity from my computer. I had downloaded it a while ago and then forgot about it. I fooled around with it and its main site tutorial recently. It’s a lot less intimidating than I expected, although I am aware that I have stayed in extremely basic territory.
And now my old dreams of making a game are resurfacing. Yet I cannot juggle my life and my comics effectively.
I need to learn to either balance my projects better, or learn to cut down.